Custody Battle.

Lately my life has been lacking a sense of rejuvenation. I experience some days that are productive and others not so much. I'm constantly trying to work towards living the life I want to live instead of being satisfied with the life I'm living. It's almost as if nothing is ever enough. I'm pretty sure as a child life never seemed this complex. I can refer to a book I'm currently reading titled "Men, Money and Chocolate" to support my claim:

"We're born with hearts that hold onto our dreams, keeping them safe from our negative rational minds. As children we follow our hearts all day long; we live according to our instincts and intuitions. But one day we stop listening to our hearts and start listening to the thoughts in our heads instead". 

My life made so much more sense the short 2 weeks I was in Ghana. Like WOW. I had never felt so connected to my life in the 23 years I've lived it. My entire thought process converted over like the american dollar. The entire time I was there I felt free and open to learn and experience any of the lessons life had to offer me, and letting the knowledge flow in willingly. It's as if my faith was never rattled during my brief time spent there. One night I requested insight from my heart on the troubles I commonly caused myself due to a patterned lifestyle. It's one of the things I feel most vulnerable about speaking on but no better person or thing to communicate with than your own heart right? 

Friday, 10th of January 2014 I wrote:

[I'm happy and everything feels so right. My mind is clear of fog. My thoughts are pure and positive and I'm in a country where peace reigns high over the land. Murder is a foreign thing here. Righteousness is the natural way of life. And peace and love is the native language. The longer I stay here the more humble I feel myself becoming.  As I write this i'm laying down and I can hear the waves from the Atlantic crashing against the rocks surrounding the Slave Castle.  Being so close to the castle, I can feel the spirits of my ancestors protecting me from any possible harm; especially malaria. Tonight when i said my prayers I think I had a conversation with creation through the communication of my heart. People are reluctant to believe that can actually happen, but when I find myself drawing up problems and instantly resolving them with solutions I can't help but think it's help from my higher power. This time away from home has caused me to think long and hard about what it is I need to change most about the life I'm living as opposed to the life I want to be living. Tonight I confessed to my heart:

"I don't want situations A. B. and C. to be my concern anymore because I truly feel like the situations no longer serve a purpose for my PURPOSE."  

And within seconds as if I was on a telephone, something on the other end of the line whispered this thought to my soul

"Put your complete faith in me. Put all that concern and focus into yourself, and  and leave the rest up to me."

Right then and there I felt peace. It was perfect. Life didn't have to make sense because my heart reassured it's allegiance to me and I restored my loyalty to faith. It was absolutely perfect and right on time. ]

That's the type of high I was on. In just the short time I was in Ghana I learned enough about living to last a lifetime.  Half way around the world with complete strangers, yet I felt so at home. That's the feeling Ghana naturally offered me. After returning the to US I cried myself to sleep my second night back in my bed because that childlike feeling I experienced in Ghana had completely left my spirit. Reality had hit. I was back to my regular routine life. I've tried channeling the vibes I felt while away but it seems as if the distractions I went without in Ghana are too overbearing. The first few days, I expressed to my mom how unhappy I had become after returning  but she told me once I saw my god daughter I would feel happier. She was without a doubt correct-- but still I knew something just didn't feel right. My peace of mind had began fading when I stumbled across this post Necole Bitchie had recently posted. She too had done some recent travelling: 

["I spent almost two weeks out of the country, and during that time I had very limited access to Internet, which became a blessing. You never really realize how much noise the Internet and social media brings into your life, until you shut it out, and suddenly you experience more moments of silence. More moments of clarity. You become inhibited. Unaffected by thoughts, opinions and the energy of others. Rejuvenated.

After about three days of this silence, I started to feel like a kid again. Innocent. Believing anything was possible. And so I wrote and doodled endlessly in my journal. On trains. On the plane. While sitting around the apartment.

I felt alive!"]

I knew after reading that, what I was feeling made every bit of sense. The many conversations I had with my heart had something to do with the lack of distractions, the breath of fresh air, and most importantly the serenity I felt that I just can't seem to get a grasp of here. I know for certain that the air in Ghana wasn't the only thing uplifting my spirit. It was most definitely the food too. In Ghana all of the food is freshly made, and doesn't have a trace of GMO's or Hormones or any of the other chemicals processed in the food here in the USA. To put proof to that claim I was sick for 2-3 weeks after shifting back to my american diet. How sad it is to know that what I eat has an effect on my emotions, my peace of mind and ultimately my faith. I didn't have the solutions for life in Ghana, just like I don't now but for one reason or another since returning, I feel like theirs an unseen force I'm battling against to regain control of my happiness. In Ghana I went to bed happy and woke up happy. I went the entire day happy. I took full control of my birthright to joy. Now, a little over a month of being back here that joy seems foreign to me. 

Sadly, judgement, anger, and 'controlled' thinking have all little by little reentered my consciousness-- Things I had grown completely unfamiliar with for 2 weeks. Why is this though? Is the air here tainted? Or nah. Really though, I’m proud of the woman I was in Ghana. My future felt like it was sealed with success and I didn't have a single doubt or worry. I wasn't concerned with things I had no control over and most importantly I had an increasingly amount of faith. Nonetheless, I believe I'm slowly but surely working towards the life I rightfully deserve but I just wish the energy, vibes and spirits here in the United States of America were just as positive and beautiful as the ones i experienced in West Africa. 

I'm currently on a quest to do all things possible to achieve that state of mind, that sense of being, and that perfect love again. I've realized how much social networks impact my spirit. I don't suggest logging onto twitter or facebook be done within the first couple of hours of the day. We don't notice it, but the things we take in in the early hours of the day directly effect our moods. I'm also changing my diet. This is an absolute must. I can't dare continue to eat my favorite food spots  such as Chik-Fila or Popeyes knowing that their foods are majority genetically modified. My body deserves better than what the American lifestyle grows it accustomed to. Garbage reality television shows are also a hard habit I'm breaking away from. You feed to your soul what you watch and listen to rather you believe it or not. A lot of the television programming on air right now holds little to no family values, self-worth or progress for humanity, not to mention they are slowly destroying the worth of the African-american and Hispanic communities for 'entertainment purposes'. The last but most important thing I'm currently working on is my environment. I'm in the works of moving to a new city and state within the next 6 months. New energy and new vibes are good for the soul. Although moving out of town isn't for everyone, simple acts of change of scenery will do too. I personally need to get out of my current place of residence to further my growth and get me closer to my dreams. It's all a process though. As long as you're moving towards something, you're going somewhere and it will be somewhere beautiful. My ultimate goal is to just be happy and regain custody of my inner child.